self-worth is worth it

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As a minority, a woman, a sensitive soul, and a young adult still in the midst of learning how to navigate her 20s, I often find that the feeling of self-worth always comes in waves. I have moments when I can sit back and reflect and appreciate my being. I look in the mirror, and I think to myself how pretty I look. I do good in my classes, and I think to myself, I am such a hard-worker, I earned this. I dance so freely to the rhythm of the music and I think to myself, I am so liberated. I crack jokes funny or not and try weird things and think to myself, I am so fun.

But then, something washes over me. And that is all stripped away. I look in the mirror, and the first thing I notice is a zit. I choose to be on my own for a while instead of in a social setting, and I think to myself, I am so boring. I try something new and fail and think to myself, I have no talent. I don’t have any dare-devil, absurd stories, and I think to myself, I am so uninteresting.

Why does this happen? How can one minute I take ownership of my worth and I’m not willing to settle or view myself as anything less and the next I feel like a useless piece of the puzzle? For me, it stems from being forgotten. When you are on such a high, loving everything life has to offer, embracing and genuinely loving yourself, there is no greater feeling. And I am a person who loves to embrace life and all it’s little, weird moments. But when somebody forgets about you, it feels like all those things- those things that you felt defined your spirit, the things that made you lovable- that maybe they weren’t as great to begin with as you thought. Maybe it was all in your head.

Let me simplify this. It’s feeling invisible, which lately, is what I have felt. It’s having people who you care about and who you thought saw worth and love in you, it’s having them forget you. Maybe it’s because they have new friends or partners. But whatever it is, they’ve forgotten you. It’s that feeling that you’re just…there.

So how do we recover from this? How do you build up your self-worth and train yourself to love and respect yourself after being knocked down? How do we motivate ourselves to the value and beauty in self-love, knowing that for sensitive souls, it may not be permanent?

This is something, I do not have an answer to as I am still trying to figure it out myself. As I continue hike and take long walks, this will be my point of reflection. Self-love is so crucial. If we don’t love ourselves, how are others going to love us? But then if it feels like we are not being loved by others, how can we see in ourselves that there is anything to love? All I can say is, do whatever makes you happy. Don’t change who you are for anyone. Don’t convince yourself that you are in fact invisible, because even if it’s not the ones you thought would be there with you til the end, it’s somebody else and there will be more who look at you and can define you as nothing short of incredible. Those things you loved about yourself, they are still there. Learn to love them again, even others don’t appreciate them. Look in the mirror and tell yourself who you are. You are someone worth loving.

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